Good Inside: The new Sunday Times bestselling gentle parenting guide for fans of Philippa Perry

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I believe that my job as a mother is to parent in a way that points my child towards reliance on Jesus. Taking it a step further, the objective of parenting, to me, is to guide my children towards that fundamental sense of identity that comes from knowing that we were created by a God who is loving and sovereign. In contrast, parenting under the assumption that your child is “bad” breeds an environment of shame and darkness. As a parent, your first goal is safety. If you need to physically remove the child or restrain them, that’s part of your job. Hold the boundaries. Say to your child, I won’t let you hit your sister. The words I won’t let you are powerful because they tell your child that they can count on you. That you’re a safe person who’ll keep them and others safe. In this Blink, you’ll learn how to use connection-based strategies and find a way to hold your boundaries while teaching your child how to navigate their feelings and experiences without fear, shame, or self-doubt.

Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy | Waterstones

From this perspective, the author offers tangible examples and scenarios to help parents interact with their children in more helpful ways.

I have found myself asking this question, or at least trying to remember to ask myself this question, before I respond or react. Asking this question immediately changes our posture from accusatory to one of empathy and listening. Building connections is an ongoing process. This isn’t a fix-it-and-forget-it situation. Connections need to be established, maintained, and grown. One of the ways you can do that is with deliberate one-on-one time without your cell phone. You don’t need to take a week off screens or shut off your internet. Just make it a point to have regular moments where your children see you put your phone away and focus on them. Overall positive: Yes, it is good to assume kids are real and having real feelings, and talk to them like they are humans.

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Saskaroties ar kaprīžu lēkmēm, vecākiem ir jācenšas palikt mierīgiem, jo mūsu bērnu nespēja sevi noregulēt izraisa mūsos vainas apziņu. Ārēja vainošana vienmēr ir saistīta ar iekšēju vainas izjūtu – ja brīnāmies, kas notiek ar bērnu, tad vienlaikus domājam, kas notiek ar mums pašiem. Var gadīties, ka mēs pat padomājam: “Es neprotu audzināt savu bērnu.” Tā ir sāpīga doma, tik ļoti sāpīga, ka mēs bieži cenšamies apturēt bērna kaprīzes lēkmi, lai vienlaikus pārtrauktu paši savas ciešanas. Tāpēc nākamreiz, kad jūsu bērns sāks trakot, pirms ķeraties pie kāda cita paņēmiena, pasakiet sev: “Ar mani viss ir kārtībā. Ar manu bērnu viss ir kārtībā. Es varu ar to tikt galā.” When happiness is your goal, negative feelings are an obstacle. And we should all be allowed our own feelings. When following the good-inside approach to parenting, the idea is never to change, judge, or avoid a child’s feelings. Arguably, the most important connection-building technique is something we’ve already discussed: repair. Your goal should never be to avoid relationship ruptures – because that’s impossible. But if you learn the skill of repair, you’ll strengthen your relationships and give your children the skills they need to be resilient in the future. What am I saying? There are definitely kids who may benefit from this kind of intensive parenting. But they are the minority. So take a deep breath. You’re probably doing fine.

However, if I do have a meltdown myself, I should regroup with my child later. We need to debrief the birthday thing, and then do a Repair ceremony where I apologize for being upset. We have now spent at least 90 minutes of the day just hashing over our emotions related to this birthday party, plus the emotional residue of all the unpleasantness has tainted the entire day. There are unstated lines to "if you have a problem with anything your kids are doing, you need to work on yourself instead" and "whatever your behavior as a parent is, it's fine as long as you do better later." I got the sense she assumes we're all from the same culture/class/upbringing/etc and knows what isn't being said. I think the best gift we can give our kids is helping them realize that happiness is not the goal. Of course, we want our children to experience happiness. But if we only focus on happiness, we don’t leave room for all of the other emotions that our kids are going to experience. If we focus on building resilience, we help our kids learn to regulate when they experience sadness, anger, and distress. Proverbs 29:15 - The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Resilience isn’t about getting the outcome you want. Remember, your job is to hold boundaries, not control your child’s feelings. Sometimes you just have to sit through the tantrum, and that’s okay.

Good Inside with Dr. Becky on Apple Podcasts ‎Good Inside with Dr. Becky on Apple Podcasts

In summary, I think every parent should read this book. This review really only scratches the surface. Every time I opened the book to reference for this post, I’d find something else I wanted to include. I had to finally just cut myself off, lol! Here’s how it would go if we did it the traditional way: My child is scared of this new situation. He looks to me, the adult, for guidance on how to handle it. I tell him it’s a birthday party. It’s safe. He will have fun. I validate that new situations are frightening. But feelings don’t always match reality.

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Children should be treated with respect and not as adversaries. Their behaviors should get the most generous interpretation and least aggressive correction. When it comes to parenting, self-development and child development go hand in hand. In many ways, how we approach parenting reveals so much about the way we ourselves handle emotions and conflict. Each tough moment is an opportunity to practice our own reflection and healthy coping skills as we guide our children. Final thoughts Robežas nenozīmē pateikt bērniem, ko viņi nedrīkst darīt; robežas nozīmē pateikt bērniem, ko mēs darīsim. If your child has no intrinsic motivation to complete something, you can either bully them (authoritarian parenting), or you can provide extrinsic motivation (authoritative parenting), or you let them skip it (permissive parenting). Nepievēršot uzmanību tam, kas notiek dziļāk, zem virsējā slāņa, mēs nespēsim mainīt spēkus, kas ierosina bērna uzvedību. Tas būtu līdzīgi kā nolikt spaini vietā, kur no griestiem tek ūdens, nevis meklēt cēloni, kāpēc tas tek. Ja pievēršamies galvenokārt uzvedībai, mēs zaudējam iespēju palīdzēt saviem bērniem attīstīt prasmes, kā arī palaižam garām iespēju raudzīties uz saviem bērniem kā uz cilvēkiem, nevis uzvedību kopumā.