Cock Piss Partridge - Alan Partridge Mens T Shirt

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Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed, it must not, REPEAT NOT turn into an all-night rave. Alan drifts off and fantasizes about dancing for Tony Hayers:

Alan: Rolled on the thighs of a virgin! I’m being bawdy, Lynn. Enjoy it. [Lynn does a false laugh] He might make that noise. Be a bit weird. Right. You said you might give me a second series. Why is there any doubt? Alan: Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know. During the lunch with Tony Hayers, Alan meets Peter Linehan, who is revamping news and current affairs output at the BBC: Alan: Well, you know, whatever. Because that is me. You know, because I e-volve but I don’t re-volve. Or vice versa. I suppose what you are trying to say is, you don’t want another Chris Evans on your hands. Alan: Lynn I’m not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they’re down! I don’t want salvation, I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge.” “Join me tonight when my guests will be”… I don’t know “Chris Rea”. Actually he lives in the area. Could have had him over. Alan acts out a conversation he may have had with Chris Rea if he lived in the same area:Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady. Alan: Let me rephrase that. Can I… No, actually I’ll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series? Alan: Well, it’s just a title. Opening sequence, me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons going ‘oooh god’! The corporation said: “This Time is the perfect shop window for a man of Alan’s gravitas and will – or should – see him finally recognised as one of the heavyweight broadcasters of his era.

Alan to Room Service: Hi, erm, can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room please? No? Right. Tea? Erm, can of Fanta? Minibar, no I’ll get it myself. Alan [Viewing the dining room]: Yes it’s an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake!. If King Arthur had an extender on his table. Michael: What I’m saying is that, like if they had themselves proper jobs you know, what there ‘gan ’til, then they wouldn’t ‘dee it. A lot of them’s from broken homes. Alan: Michael, Michael. I was just saying to Susan, bit of a job for you. Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.

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Don't cry, ears! You're on the side of a lovely head! - Aah! - Good show this morning? - It was a belter! Did you hear it? - No. Alan: Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Minor repairs. [Lift door begins to close on Alan] Oh, my God! One can find some strength when you're at your bleakest moments, - If you open yourself up to new choices - Lynn, I'm not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they're down. I can read you like a book, and not a very good book. Especially no Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb, which actually improves with every read. talking to representative of a farming union): If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.

Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? [Tony shows a ten pound note] Uh-uh. I want a second series. Lynn arrives and wakes up Alan to discuss the days events: Alan: So have I. There’s no wine in it, you know. Couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel, and an old bag of cement. Gone hard. It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! - Alan? - One yank, gone! That was Tony Hayers's office on the phone. Opening sequence - me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons, going, "Oh, God!" I'm sorry, no! Stop! - "Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank.

Alan leaves the BBC building, heads back to his car:

Alan: You’ve gone again, GOODNIGHT! Alan is in his hotel room, reading an article by Tony Hayers on a sweep up at the BBC, Alan reacts immediately by reeling off some ideas for programmes into his Dictaphone: Alan: Yep. [Lynn starts to walk towards the living room door, and Alan cuts in front of her] One more question. On the way here quite near by I did see a community centre with a mural on the side?

Kids like to go to the zoo but the beasts I like to look at are made of zinc galvanised steel - they're cars. Alan: Right. That mean there will be noise or there won’t be noise? Difficult one to figure out, that. But they’re just deaf, they’re not deaf offenders? Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg!

Lynn: You know, one can find some strength, when you are at your bleakest moments if you open yourself up to… Alan: Oh, good.Have you got my fungal foot powder? It’s a life saver you know. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these. What does that say to you about regional detective series? - There's too many of them? - That's one way of looking at it. Alan: Yeah, I think I’ll have some… wine, actually. Yes. Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun please.